am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Randomize