I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
