Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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