Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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