i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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