My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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