Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
