I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
