took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Blood and glitter go together right?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
