im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
