FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
