So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
