What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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