My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
