I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
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