remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
