my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize