Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
