his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
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