So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
The uberlube is also flammable
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
