yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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