so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I think my fart just growled at me.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
