dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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