Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
