if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
