How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
