How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
