I look better un-naked...
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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