do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
These tits shall not be calmed
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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