I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize