I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
The police scanner is talking about you again....
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
