I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
