do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
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