I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
