How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
