It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
