My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
This beer is not sobering me up at all
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
