I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
