I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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