Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
