My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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