Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Someone shit on the floor
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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