Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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