You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
