i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
it's great music for shaving your balls
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
