I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
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