How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
