he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
You pole danced in your parka.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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