Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
