She's JV to your varsity
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
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