I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
