***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
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