I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
