if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize