as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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