i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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