I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
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