He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize