Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
